I believe the last time this blog had anything in it was a year ago. I keep telling myself to update this thing but nothing ever seemed to drive me to post anymore. I can feel my enthusiasm slip away more and more each day. Frankly, I know I'm giving up on everything. I keep remembering the pre-UIA days when I was an employee at MPH, and the conversation I had with one of my colleagues. Can't even remember really what we talked about but I remembered how she had looked at me with that you're-so-naive-it's-adorable face. She told me that once you get out there in the real world you're going to stop caring. You're going to get tired and then you're just going to stop thinking about all these things that used to go round and round in my head for hours at a time. About everything. About people.
It starts with giving up on trying to get people to listen to you. First you just talk about it with everyone you know, even if they don't listen because you think, this is important!, and if they'd just hear you out they're going to realize that. But they don't and they won't, and then you just start talking selectively to people who you know have an opinion, or are at least aware of the spiel that leaves your mouth. But there aren't a lot of those and some of them are just filthy hypocrites that make you feel like crap because they don't care, not really. This is knowledge, filed in the box labeled as things-that-make-you-look-smart-when-you-talk-about-them. Or people who know the exact same thing you do but see it in an entirely antagonistic way from your perception. And these people scare you the most. Because you thought people would get it but they don't. They see it as good thing when it's not or as a bad thing when it isn't and you kind of wish you didn't know this about them because you like them and shouldn't the real people take precedence over the ones in your head? Then it freaks you out because suddenly you're judgmental and this is something you never thought you'd be.
So you stop arguing because you don't want to heat things up because those other people, those other things, they're just hypothetical and in your head not tangible to you. And then somewhere along the line you just stop caring as much. Not altogether because it's still apart of what makes you you, but you start avoiding things that would make you care. You stop reading things, listening to people or looking for things that make you care. It's something that's depressingly easy to do. And before you know it, you stumble upon people that are who you used to be and you listen to them and you think that you've become exactly the kind of person you never thought you'd be, that you never wanted to be.
And then you're here, unable to put into actual coherent sentences what you're feeling or thinking because you excel at avoidance and bottling feelings and now you don't even know how you feel about anything because you never admit things, even to yourself. And this part, right here, really has absolutely nothing to do with whatever you just wrote earlier. Or maybe it does. You're just that scatter-brained.
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